In fear of bumbling on for too long, here's my take on all 26 songs that took part on Saturday, resulting in quite a controversial winner...
...
1) BELGIUM - Laura Tesoro - What's the Pressure? - 10th Place with 181 points
What's the Pressure?
It's a pumped up, pop number and really got the crowd going for the show. As we know however, opening up rarely translates into a high placing, but a 10th place finish is a good effort and Laura will definitely be pleased. I have to admit, this song is one of only a few that I've been humming along to since Saturday night!
2) CZECH REPUBLIC - Gabriela Guncikova - I Stand - 25th Place with 41 points
It provided a different song to what we're used to on Eurovision night, with a mere red glow emanating from the beautiful dress as Gabriela stood and belted out her ballad. Nice, but not enough to impress the voters.
3) THE NETHERLANDS - Douwe Bob - Slow Down - 11th Place with 153 points
Maybe the slightly odd 10-second pause mid song while Douwe winked and mouthed 'I Love You' at the camera made it stick in the minds of the voters? I don't know, but it was a nice enough song with a fair mid table finish.
Graham Norton just seemed obsessed with the neck tattoo instead of the song, and he also gave the game away with the mid-song silence. Naughty Graham.
4) AZERBAIJAN - Samra - Miracle - 17th Place with 117 points
Remember, the running order is not drawn at random, but chosen specifically to give the best show. Conspiracies abound of course that favourites are put in favourable positions, but this offering from Samra was deliberately put early so people forgot about it.
I did.
5) HUNGARY - Freddie - Pioneer - 19th Place with 108 points
I have to admit, I didn't listen to the song that much pre-contest and find it quite boring.
I'm deliberately starting new paragraphs to fill up the gaps, but I can't find any other words to describe this song. Again, forgettable; a 19th place finish more than lucky and Hungary should move on to 2017 with a more adventurous outlook, instead of picking the best looking guy that applies.
6) ITALY - Francesca Michielin - No Degree of Separation - 16th Place with 124 points
One of my early favourites for sure, with a nice mix of English and Italian lyrics and a decent message but I'm afraid Francesca was overcome with nerves on the big stage.
It felt awkward and uncomfortable watching it and the audience in the arena and at home felt it too. It's a shame, because it's another good offering from Italy after the success of Il Volo last year, but a case of the yips bestowed themselves upon poor Francesca.
I don't think it was ever going to be a candidate to win, but the first of a few under par performances of the night.
7) ISRAEL - Hovi Star - Made of Stars - 14th Place with 135 points
For the first time since the opener, I liked a song but I thought the rotating wheel thing behind him was slightly unnecessary and distracting. I would have much preferred if Hovi took the Gabriela approach and merely stood and delivered.
The finish was fantastic as well while it was popular on all social media. The LGBT community love this man, and I can certainly see why.
8) BULGARIA - Poli Genova - If Love Was a Crime - 4th Place with 307 points
While Belgium and Loic Nottet was the song that grew on me as Eurovision season progressed in 2015, this year it most certainly was Bulgaria.
A slow start maybe, but when the chorus kicked in, boy, was it a crackerjack! Probably the most catchy and memorable chorus in the whole competition, a top-5 finish was more than deserved for Poli. There were five 10-points awarded from the juries, but no douze points which may have affected their final position, but Bulgaria should be mightily pleased with their efforts in Stockholm.
9) SWEDEN - Frans - 'If I Were Sorry' - 5th Place with 261 points
The powerhouses of Eurovision, and indeed this year's hosts, sent possibly the most bitter song of the past decade by 17-year old Frans.
It's basically a song about how he isn't sorry about anything from a past relationship and that made me cringe through every word. Certainly helped by the fact they were the only Nordic act in the Grand Final and the mere fact they are Sweden.
Frans is a nice enough guy, if a bit stroppy teen, but this shouldn't have finished as high as it did.
10) GERMANY - Jamie-Lee - Ghost - 26th Place with 10 points
The most striking thing I noticed was the choice of attire, but not being a fashionista myself, I won't comment too much on that. But the song was actually quite dull and uninspiring.
A generous placing in the running order did little to help, (Conspiracy Theorists: "I think they purposefully put this after Sweden to help Frans").
11) FRANCE - Amir - J'ai Cherche - 6th Place with 257 points
Early favourite, and a heart throb from Paris, Amir's efforts were possibly hurt by early struggles during rehearsals, but certainly a decent top 6 finish was deserved with this upbeat number.
Amir certainly looked as if he was enjoying it and it is one of those songs that I will likely continue to listen to despite us being post-Eurovision now.
I also remember him as being a really nice gentleman at the London Eurovision Party in April, so I'm pleased this did as well as it did.
12) POLAND - Michel Szpak - Color Of Your Life - 8th Place with 229 points
It took me a long, long time to get into this song, but by the time Saturday night came around, I was a fan and pleased that Michel got a top-10 finish. He has a striking resemblance with parody artist Weird Al Yankovich, but there was nothing weird about the song as it was sung very well and had another good message that matched the theme of 'Come Together'.
13) AUSTRALIA - Dami Im - Sound of Silence - 2nd Place with 511 points
Far from being a one-off for the 60th anniversary, the faraway land of Australia was invited back for the 61st edition, and what an act it sent!
X Factor Australia 2013 winner, Dami Im gave us a stunning vocal performance in a song that was nailed on to win, until the new voting system took hold and presented us with something else... This was my big favourite.
In both the semis and the final, Dami blew the audience away and it's a big shame this didn't win, although I'm sure the purists are delighted...
14) CYPRUS - Minus One - Alter Ego - 21st Place with 96 points
Their semi-final effort was disappointing and I didn't think it would get through, but I'm very pleased it did and I'm also very pleased they upped their game in the finals. I'm not altogether surprised it didn't do well, but again, this is a song I will continue to listen to.
A side note, I still listen to Terasbetoni from 2008.
15) SERBIA - Sanja Vucic - Goodbye - 18th Place with 115 points
I have to admit, I have no recollection of hearing this song on Saturday night. Whether that's because the whisky had kicked in, or it was a forgettable song, I don't know, but it was never going to get higher than the 18th place it finished in.
It certainly wasn't the upbeat, disco number of 2015 or indeed the striking, heartfelt winner of 2007. More in between.
Halfway houses don't win the Eurovision Song Contest I'm afraid.
16) LITHUANIA - Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night - 9th with 200 points
But, being the serious reviewer that I am, I re-watched Donny's efforts, (restarted it, because I got distracted) and decided that it was a very good entry, despite some dodgy dancing in the middle of it.
The big mid-song jump from the smoke was just what it needed and it was a fair placing of 9th place for Donny.
Have I mentioned, he's gorgeous?
17) CROATIA - Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse - 23rd place with 73 points
Again, I had to re-watch the entry and my sober thoughts remain the same.
The staging was quite nice and Nina's dress equally so, but that's not enough to win Eurovision these days. We were never going to be going to Zagreb in 2017.
18) RUSSIA - Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One - 3rd Place with 491 points
Naturally, the opening was compared to last year's victor, which never goes down well (Remember Cascada's rip off of Loreen in 2013?) but the climbing of walls and the light show along with a brilliant vocal propelled Russia's rating through the roof.
A 4th placed finish was fair, but Europe may still be perturbed by the controversy oozing from Russia while casting their votes.
19) SPAIN - Barei - Say Yay! - 22nd place with 77 points
As it is, they got lost in the shadow of Russia and Europe almost forgot about it. A high-tempo, loveable, happy song about saying "YAY!" is so very Eurovision, but unfortunately not Eurovision enough to get anywhere near the left hand side of the new scoreboard.
Barei mentioned before the contest that she would have liked the opportunity to compete in the semi-finals... I do think the "big 5" will need to start qualifying soon regardless of financial contribution...
20) LATVIA - Justs - Heartbeat - 15th place with 132 points
Slow start, building up... Building up... And Justs EXPLODES! He's probably still angry at me mistaking him for semi-finalist Juri Pootsman from Estonia at the London Eurovision Party...
One of my friends noted that she would do "unspeakable things" to Justs, which I can see, but he might just shout at you for doing it.
6/10 for the song. 10/10 for looks.
21) UKRAINE - Jamala - 1944 - 1ST PLACE WITH 534 POINTS!
Some would say this song was political, (songs of which are banned), while some would say it was too depressing to win Eurovision, but Europe clearly liked it, (as did the UK who gave it 10 points).
Personally, I didn't like it. I don't begrudge Ukraine victory, but I'm not a big fan of downbeat songs about sad events. I understand why people do, but it just wasn't for me.
Some have suggested, *cough* Russia Today *cough*, Europe voted for this to spite the Russians. I don't think that was the case.
Kiev 2017 anyone?
22) MALTA - Ira Losco - Walk on Water - 12th place with 153 points
Following the eventual winner can never be easy, and although we didn't know it at the time, Ira Losco, who represented Malta in 2002 of course, didn't give us much to distract us from the enormity of what we'd just witnessed from Jamala.
12th was fair, but not groundbreakingly brilliant. Plus, despite Mr Norton's warnings, the man who danced very closely to Ira was a bit creepy and put me off the whole performance.
23) GEORGIA - Nika Kocharov & Young Lolitaz - Midnight Gold - 20th with 104 points
Now then...
This from Georgia was an interesting entry..
Richard Osman almost looked embarrassed as he announced that the United Kingdom had given Georgia douze points, and the rest of our country laughed in utter derision. The commentators joined in but...
On Saturday night, and indeed all week, I have lambasted this song. I wrote it off as a bit of a joke. Even at the opening ceremony, the band just did not look bothered. I've listened to it... A lot... I'm sorry guys... But I like it!
Please don't hate me.
24) AUSTRIA - Zoe - Loin D'ici - 13th with 151 points
Another favourite of mine pre-contest, I know for a fact that Zoe just loves the whole Eurovision experience. She couldn't quite believe she was there all week.
This song was sung in French, which is odd for an Austrian entry, but it kinda worked. At least it did until Saturday night, when nerves seemed to get the better of her. It's a big shame because she's such a likeable character, it was such a pretty song for such a pretty girl. But unfortunately the majority of the audience listen on Saturday night and unfortunately she didn't deliver in the big time.
25) UNITED KINGDOM - Joe & Jake - 24th with 62 points
I genuinely think this from our boys was our best entry in a good decade, but Europe simply doesn't like us. Our inability to attract any major names like Russia, or the absence of a Swedish-style Melodifestivalen makes us unpopular.
We don't take this competition "seriously enough" and that doesn't translate to votes. Suggestions that no one voted for us because of the impending EU referendum are pretty ridiculous though. Second last on the running order didn't help and maybe a lack of clever staging, but it shouldn't have finished 24th. We hope for better next year!
26) ARMENIA - Iveta Mukuchyan - Love Wave - 7th with 249 points
Last up at Eurovision hasn't been as much of a curse in recent times, with Italy's Il Volo scoring a 3rd place finish from last on the order in 2015. It seems Armenia follows, with a solid 7th place finish with a good, slightly quirky song. At least the opening was anyway.
It builds up well, with a quiet start and then kicks off into a battling performance. Could have been higher if Europe wasn't too busy checking their scorecards.
Although it finished 7th however, the song didn't take over me... Sorry, crap joke.
...
And that, is that. The end of another Eurovision season and what a season it was. Mans and Petra hosted a stunning Eurovision week, with good interval acts and the coup of Justin Timberlake. There has been a lot of noise about the eventual winners, but it just goes to show how strongly Europe appreciates a strong song.
Who's off to Kiev?
Kiev 2017 anyone?
22) MALTA - Ira Losco - Walk on Water - 12th place with 153 points
Following the eventual winner can never be easy, and although we didn't know it at the time, Ira Losco, who represented Malta in 2002 of course, didn't give us much to distract us from the enormity of what we'd just witnessed from Jamala.
12th was fair, but not groundbreakingly brilliant. Plus, despite Mr Norton's warnings, the man who danced very closely to Ira was a bit creepy and put me off the whole performance.
23) GEORGIA - Nika Kocharov & Young Lolitaz - Midnight Gold - 20th with 104 points
Now then...
This from Georgia was an interesting entry..
Richard Osman almost looked embarrassed as he announced that the United Kingdom had given Georgia douze points, and the rest of our country laughed in utter derision. The commentators joined in but...
On Saturday night, and indeed all week, I have lambasted this song. I wrote it off as a bit of a joke. Even at the opening ceremony, the band just did not look bothered. I've listened to it... A lot... I'm sorry guys... But I like it!
Please don't hate me.
24) AUSTRIA - Zoe - Loin D'ici - 13th with 151 points
This song was sung in French, which is odd for an Austrian entry, but it kinda worked. At least it did until Saturday night, when nerves seemed to get the better of her. It's a big shame because she's such a likeable character, it was such a pretty song for such a pretty girl. But unfortunately the majority of the audience listen on Saturday night and unfortunately she didn't deliver in the big time.
25) UNITED KINGDOM - Joe & Jake - 24th with 62 points
We don't take this competition "seriously enough" and that doesn't translate to votes. Suggestions that no one voted for us because of the impending EU referendum are pretty ridiculous though. Second last on the running order didn't help and maybe a lack of clever staging, but it shouldn't have finished 24th. We hope for better next year!
26) ARMENIA - Iveta Mukuchyan - Love Wave - 7th with 249 points
It builds up well, with a quiet start and then kicks off into a battling performance. Could have been higher if Europe wasn't too busy checking their scorecards.
Although it finished 7th however, the song didn't take over me... Sorry, crap joke.
...
And that, is that. The end of another Eurovision season and what a season it was. Mans and Petra hosted a stunning Eurovision week, with good interval acts and the coup of Justin Timberlake. There has been a lot of noise about the eventual winners, but it just goes to show how strongly Europe appreciates a strong song.
Who's off to Kiev?
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