Introduction to Me

Life. For the first 16 years you think it is tough because you have 3 pieces of coursework to do. Since that age, I have learnt that life gets a lot tougher and will get more tough until we end up in our wooden box. The last couple of years have been hard. I have put myself through a lot and put the ones I love through a lot aswell, for reasons I am not at all clear about.

We'll get to that later... for now though I will start off by giving you a brief introduction of my life so far. I was born, went to school, played football and PS2 and did my homework like a good little boy. I did tell you it was brief... Most of my school life was fairly easy for me considering what some of my mates went through. I'd like to think I was popular, although some people would disagree, and my life really hasn't been that bad. Things change though and unfortunately, they changed for the worse.

I've never been good under pressure. Pressure has always been my downfall and throughout later school years, I felt under immense pressure. Teachers saying you must do this and family saying you must do that when I wanted to do something completely different.. it takes its toll. I've been told that "its life" and to "get on with it" but sometimes I have just thought "fuck it" and have considered jumping off that bridge that goes over the River Ouse. It's not as bad as it sounds as it would be a soft landing.

My personality has changed drastically because of this. I used to be a shy, retiring young lad who didn't speak much and wasn't very outgoing. Now, I'm still not that outgoing but am not scared to say what's on my mind. Some people find what I think shocking or "wrong" but I honestly couldn't give a shit. Why should I lie about what I think just to make other people happy? Life has a lot more to it than playing football and killing a zombie or 2 on the latest console and people should learn to take the truth whether its what they want to hear or not.

Anyway, i'm getting off track. Where was I? Oh yeah! The last 2 years. Well, I've always maintained that my parents have been the reason why I lost it last year. I always thought that they were putting me under pressure for no reason. Now I know its just because they wanted the best for me. Back then however, I didn't think this and ran away from home on occasions. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. The hell I put my family and friends through wasn't fair on them - and I apologise gravely. Things are a little better now, but its not what it used to be. I only open up to about 2 people and neither of them are family members. Anyone who is reading this blog now knows more than my parents do as I don't have the bottle to tell them anything. I'm scared of what they will think of me.

On top of all this, I've been struggling to accept my sexuality. I am bisexual. So what? For years I thought it was wrong and freakish but now I accept it. One hurdle that I have failed to jump though is telling my family. My dad is a proud man. What would he think if his only son was bi? Who knows. Part of me thinks he wouldn't give a damn. The other part thinks he'll blow up and disown me. Most of you reading this are thinking "What is this guy chatting about...?" but this is just what I think. I fear what they think and I want them to be happy for me given whats happened the last couple of years. Someone asked me last week, "Forgive me if i'm wrong, but I heard u were gay?" I had no fear in telling him the truth. This time last year, I would have bricked it.

Things are settling down a bit now. I have a 9 to 6 job and earning money like any man should. My depression from the last couple of years has been slowly curing thanks to the docs and things are not too bad. I have one hurdle I need to jump though. I need to open up to my family. I know they think something is up as they ask me if I'm OK frequently. Every time, i say "all is well" when I know it isn't, and they know it isn't...

I really could go on forever about my feelings and subconsciousness but I get the feeling people have got better things to do! haha! If you are reading this and want to ask a question, please do ask. I love people enquiring about my life. Makes me feel cared for. I'll write in here when I need to let the world (or 3 people) know whats happening. Thanks for listening. x