The Con Man

Yes. I know I am about to talk yet another night out, but like I said a few weeks ago. Life is work, cricket and wastedness, and seeing as this blog is about the Life of Mitten, those are the subjects I shall speak of! To be fair however, this was probably going to be my last night out before the night that shall be dubbed, 'The Return of the Moomin'... What with early starts at work falling on the most vital of days plus a severe lack of funds, I reckon I might need a break from the alcohol scene for a while.

After completely rejecting the prospect of a MONDAY night out, (if they ever existed), we, myself and Rob, tried to round up as many people as possible for a Wednesday night out. Before this however, I needed to stray into the minimal savings I possess to get some money. I risked parking outside the bank, (completely illegal), and after waiting in the queue for 15 minutes, finally getting my money, I walked outside to be greeted by a plump gentleman, wearing a green-ish jacket and holding a little machine. Damn it. A traffic warden. My risk hadn't paid off, but as I went up to him, I was polite and simply said, "I was hoping not to bump into you!".. I was polite, didn't go off the handle, like some people would, and I reckon this played a part in him letting me off! "Just drive off now, and I won't finish it..." Good!

Anyway. Despite many, many, many changes of heart from a few people, we managed to get a respectable 6 people out to try and make something of a night that is usually full of students on their impossibly long summer breaks. It took a long, long time to get going, and after going to Litten for a considerable amount of time, and a short stop off at the colour changing bar, we headed to Elements at around 12.30, to see what was happening. As we approached, we sensed the silence, and it wasn't boding well. We paid £2 to get in, walked into the main area, and noticed about 10 people standing around, not looking particularly interested. Oh dear. For the first time in a long time, maybe this was going to be a dreaded, "Fail Night". We walked straight back out again.

As we walked around Bedford Town Centre, like a small group of homeless drunks, we tried different places that were even more dead, or even worse, closed, before deciding on going back to Elements, trying to wangle our way in for free, claiming we had already paid once, and if this didn't work. Go home.

In some ways, I wish we hadn't been allowed in. What followed, after taking a while to warm up, was, believe it or not, a money making mission that didn't really go to plan. I had hoped not to take any money out of my account, and rely completely on the money I had risked a parking ticket for, earlier in the day, but it didn't really work out that way..

It nearly did. Many drinks were brought, with the primary purpose of getting Rob as drunk as humanly possible, as he was already much worse for wear, but after he started refusing them on the grounds of, "I'm finished", there was only one person to step up to the plate. Me. Now. I didn't have a lot of money. I remember being "OK" drunk, but not drunk enough, (I said to myself), so what I tried to do, was simply mind boggling. After accidentally stealing some guy's shot of vodka, (and some quick thinking to respond to the guy who was looking for it), I went on a mission to try and scam the barmaid, (who was drunk by the way), out of as much money as humanly possible. Here's an example:

I bought 2 drinks. At a good price of £2 each, I gave the barmaid my only £10 note, and received, rightly so, £6 in change. A fiver and a £1 coin. I quickly stuffed the fiver in my pocket, and showed her the £1 coin, claiming she had forgotten to give me a fiver. I'll be honest, I didn't expect it to work, but without any hint of an argument, she opened the till and gave me ANOTHER fiver. So, in short, I had been paid £5 to buy 2 drinks.

I did this again. The very same combination, about half an hour later, and yet again, it worked. I had bought 4 drinks at the price of -£10. I had been given money to drink! It was incredible...

I had met a couple of friends in there, a couple of referees I know, and I coaxed one of them, Charlie, into giving me a £20 note, (he owed me a drink anyway), and told him I might be able to get him £10 profit. I aimed high, but I think the barmaid had stopped drinking for a while, and I was that bit more drunk, so it didn't work, but I still got a free drink out of it, thanks to Charlie paying, of course!

However, even after scamming the barmaid out of a tenner for the whole night, I still ended up paying £43 for the night. The £30 I got out of savings plus spending £13 on a couple of drinks and the food that was bought on possibly the longest trip home in human history. We left the club at about 3am, and with the others getting a cab, it was left for me and Rob, by far the 2 drunkest people, to make the long walk home. The phone calls made, at the dizzy hour of 4.15am, were... interesting. A couple of disgruntled people even picked up, wondering what the hell was going on at this time of morning, but to those who sensibly didn't, we left them some amusing messages! It was all good fun, and even the trip to BP was a good laugh, as I embarrassed myself highly in front of a couple of colleagues. Was a laugh..

However, the hour or so walk home from there wasn't. I was on my own, (as Rob lived in the opposite direction), and after having a minor argument with Kettle, (which we have agreed to put down to drunken behaviour), I walked home... Ok... I stumbled home, and walked in the front door at God Knows O'clock.

The hangover in the morning was acceptable. Of course, it had been a good night. My philosophy of, "If there's a story to tell, you can't lose", stays on track, but now I have to accept that I might not have some fun on the alcohol front for a few weeks now. This is a good thing I suppose. My liver, and the bank balance, needs a break from losing my head for a while. Today is Friday, and a huge, busy weekend coming up on the work and cricket front... What I'd pay for a 'BTW'...

Well, not a lot actually. I can't afford it!