Max Volume

At the moment, I sit in my room, happy with what the day has brought even if it is nothing but sleep, 5-a-side and dossing. It is the realisation of what will be the life until things get better. My excitement about university is off the scale, yet it's literally about 8 months away. I cannot imagine what I will be like when the time comes.

I am going to Brighton next Wednesday, to check out the facilities, the accomodation and what the all important course will offer, (Yes, I am going for the degree!) I have already had an experience of the night life, having been there last Summer and if it's like that all the time, then there are some seriously big nights heading my way, hopefully with a lot of new friends, in my new life. I didn't make the most of it in the Summer, because of things, but I can feel this is going to be different.

It's strange. I will feel a lot of different emotions heading up to it, even if it is a long time away yet. Yes, I know I sound stupid. Why am I excited if it's more than half a year away? The reason? I have nothing else to look forward to. I can see the change of life I've dreamt about for years, just on the horizon. And for the first time in a long time with anything, I feel properly excited about it. The independance, the meeting new people, the parties, even the bits in between when I can, "come home from uni" like the rest of my friends and not be the person waiting. Just the whole thing.

I can imagine myself being terribly nervous when the time comes. I will panic about being homesick and being on my own and the possibility of not making new friends and being as alone as I am now, sitting here with my headphones turned up to the max. But it will be good. It HAS to be good. If it isn't, there is nothing else. Nothing.

But it will be.

Back to reality, where reality happens and not dreams, today has been... good. I awoke at stupid o'clock again, but I need to get back to the night shift pattern for my upcoming last weekend. I'm not sure what I'll feel come Monday morning. Mostly relief probably, but I will miss the feeling of being respectable. Went to play 5-a-side tonight, in which my true unfit self was revealed. I was struggling big time and really ran out of puff for the last 15 minutes. It is all the comfort eating I have been doing over the last year or so. But as Goulding pointed out this week, "my metabolism is just... insane!"

I was intending to go out to town tonight but I really wasn't feeling it when I came in. A few reasons. 1) I was knackered from football ... 2) I don't REALLY have the money to go out getting pissed. It is something I am going to have to get used to. And 3) I'm not so sure I would have enjoyed it. The people I was going out with have a ... unique... sense of humour, and despite being fantastic people, I do feel a bit quiet around their nonsense and completely insane remarks. It's certainly not a bad thing, and none of the reasons on their own are good enough reasons to reject a night out, but all together, it made sense!

Inevitably, because of my sensibleness, I have had to endure another night of desperate boredom and trying to create controversy without upsetting people too much. One conversation comes to mind... Despite this, they all seem to go to bed at a relatively normal time, leaving me with my own thoughts, (which haven't been so bad this week). I've been watching some comical videos involving the Carr brothers, (no relation to myself) and just random things. Trying to pass the time.

It's 02:12, and I'm starting to feel a little bit weary... Is that so?

No.

Have fun x