To You, An Apology

This post, despite being available for the public to see, is to someone in particular. But, as everyone knows, I'm such a coward, I can't do it face-to-face.

This blog, I feel, is my only opportunity to be open to the people who read it, the one opportunity I can say what is on my mind. However, despite being open about as much as I can, I have still fought with the notion of including the concept of relationships in here. I have made a couple of brief references to it, but this morning, (How is it 7am already?!), I'll be very honest.

I haven't had many girlfriends. 3 or 4.. I definitely wouldn't consider my last relationship a mistake. It was a huge learning curve for me. I wouldn't say I was hugely experienced in the relationship side of things and I could probably say the same about her. I had battled with my conscience about asking her out for weeks before I actually did, and when I did, I was the happiest guy on Earth. Truthfully.

I was horribly mistaken on the concept of relationships. My friends who had got girlfriends in the past, seemed to vanish from the face of the Earth and seemed to spend every moment of their time awake with their new loved ones. I thought, "What if she wants to be with me 24/7?" I have many friends, many hobbies to enjoy, many people to make happy, what if all that disappears? As you all know by now, I don't communicate with people very well face-to-face, I worry what their reply will be and I fear I will make a fool of myself. I am too scared.

A few weeks in, I started to panic. I felt like I was neglecting the relationship because I wasn't spending enough time with her. If I wasn't spending enough time with her now, then how is this going to last? What I failed to consider though was, How long is "enough time"?

I broke up with her. In the most cowardly way I could think of. Obviously, there was no way I was going to get through doing it face-to-face. Bad move. My last in a sequence of bad moves ever since I made the one good move. For weeks after, I felt really bad. Very, very bad, but of course I couldn't speak to anyone about it. My fear of relationships as a whole entity, I feel, had become permanent.

And of course, to make things more worse in my own head, there was the issue with my sexuality. I was struggling in whether I should tell her or not, whether she would mind or take it badly. I would like to make it plain that, despite her thoughts, she is not the reason I am bisexual. Anything but. One person cannot change someone's sexuality. You are not a horrible person, 100%.

She knows now. I told her a month or so ago, not scared of the reaction I would receive back. I think she was on the recovering cycle of a busy night, so her reaction may not have been as bad as I might have been expecting. I don't think it's right to disclose what she thinks about anything in here. Read her blog if you want to know that. That's what I did!

And, honestly BC, that is the reason I'm typing this. I got the impression from your blog that I left, without word and sight, with a lot of questions unanswered. I can only apologise for that. I know how you felt for the weeks beyond and now you're moving on.

I admit, there have been times where I think I still like you, then dismiss the thoughts, thinking you were over it, and we couldn't possibly go back. Before going further, I'll make it plain that, I too, have moved on. And against your thoughts that I fancied/was going out with another guy, no. I haven't yet had a boyfriend, because I think the rejection in society is still too great to venture into such unknown paths. The story behind that is too great to get in to.

And as for those 5 silent months, they were silly times. I'm sure you recognise that as much as I do. I'm very glad we're over that, and I sincerely hope, that despite my large ups and downs, that we can be friends. Just friends. I hope you can appreciate that sometimes I can be a moron, but sometimes I can be sincere. I can be helpful and kind and as for that aftershave, I'll have to buy some more of that!

I hope you can take this, rather poor effort of an apology, as a whole-hearted yet cowardly attempt to explain my feelings. I don't have the guts usually to do anything as brave, but after reading your blog, I felt you deserved an explanation. And sorry, if you have already gotten over it and I've just waffled for 45 minutes!

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