Realisation

Today it dawned on me that I am in trouble. If I don't get this job that I'm STILL waiting to hear a reply from, I am ruined. I am not getting a job in Bedford as there simply isn't any and with no car I can't go any further a field and with no money I can't afford to buy insurance for the car that could get me that elusive job in the first place... Life is a vicious circle.

I'm starting to get agitated, angry, annoyed, bored, incredulous, irritable, lonely and stupid whilst being couped up at home with nothing to do. Yes, I am that bored that I put that list in alphabetical order. I don't even have a car to zoom about in when I'm bored which used to be a great hobby of mine. It gave me time to escape being bored which leads to me thinking too much about things, which in turn gets me incredibly down. The last week or 3 I've been fighting so very very hard to stop thinking about things so much, because I know exactly what it will come to. I can't keep bottling it up though. The last time I did that, the consequences when I exploded were awful and I promised myself I wouldn't go there again. It hurt too many people. What do I do? Help me out here people..

Today has been as boring as any other to tell the truth. With no car, no money and all my friends at work and rightly so, I had literally nothing to do. Ok, I could of walked to town to get a pointless 10-second response from every recruitment agency but there was no point in that. I looked on the internet for things, but there was nothing local that I could realistically reach so that was pointless aswell. I'm starting to think that on the 23rd February 2011, I may well be in the same situation as I am now.. and honestly, with things as they are at the moment, that isn't impossible.. Come on Mitten, don't think like that. What did you tell yourself! DTN! DTN! DTN! Apologies for the self-motivation episode, but I find it helps.. somehow.

I have nothing viable and interesting happening to me all week, or all month for that matter, that isn't football-related anyway. Every week, I will be involved around football, even if I am bankrupt. Just now, I have got back from a brutal hour of 5-a-side football. We narrowly lost. But it gave me something to do. For those of you who are wondering, my refereeing wages are going straight in the savings for the trip to Manchester, which is the only event in the future I look forward to. There is nothing else. I must keep disciplined on that front or else I won't be going. That would mean a "bad times" facebook status and that is the bottom line of nothingness. Besides, it's something to work for and I'm still on the hunt for as many games as possible to get me as much money as possible for the trip. It gives me something to work for at least.

Someone came up with an interesting path to follow earlier. As I have told you in a bloggle before, I investigated the path to becoming a police officer. Then, after this mega brainwave, I was shot down by some website that said they were "not recruiting till late 2010". I'm not waiting that long. Anyway, this friend of mine, suggested volunteering work. Become a Special Constable. Now, as well as giving me something to work for and something to do with my days, becoming a Special Constable would look exceptional on most CVs which would up my likelyhood of getting work... On the other hand, it is voluntary and my bank balance would still remain at a very solid zero pounds and zero pence.. (or something minimal like 37p..) I will have a think about that, but I would appreciate your opinions and thoughts on this as it may turn out to be a big decision. Tell me what you think.

I'm not depressed. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am becoming more and more normal despite the hardships of recent times. I don't think it's something I've fully recovered from. I still have stages of feeling down but they haven't been nearly as bad as they have been in the past. Positive. I am waiting for it to come back though. Something will trigger the depressing side to me and I get the feeling this trigger is just around the corner.. One thing for sure is I can't keep bottling up the pressure. Maybe that's where all the depression is going? Into this bottle that will explode at some point in a huge array of anger and disappointment. No! Don't think like that! D - T - N! Come on Mitten! You can do it! Determination is needed. For once, I need to be determined to overcome this. Not just for me, but the people around me also. I can do it. I can.

You know what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to walk to town. That's right. Walk. I will walk into that recruitment agency that do nothing and I will shout at them and maybe give them an angrily written letter. Their communication is shocking. Why should I have to keep chasing them to see if that company has replied? It's their job to chase me! Lazy morons not appreciating the jobs they've got. I'm angry. But DTN nevertheless..

Right.. I'm going to chill out for a bit. Listen to a bit of Sting and Phil Collins, maybe make myself a ham and cheese sandwich, grab myself a glass of orange juice and relax. Relax and DTN.

Bye x