Simple

Its empty in the valley of your heart. The sun it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and faults you've left behind. Mumford and Sons have helped me recently. Music has generally.

Music is a way of escaping, filling your brain with rhythm, melody and thoughtful lyrics. Songs with meaning and a message behind them help me to concentrate on what I need to do with myself. Silence is anything but golden in my life. Silence triggers the thoughts deep down and this is not where I need to go. I refuse to go back there. I won't.

I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck. Another lyric, another meaning. It's not meant to sound cynical or suicidal, I am far from that feeling at this moment in time although I have been close in the past. At my lowest, I was beneath rock bottom. Things have improved, but things will never be perfect. It's impossible to feel perfect. There is always a problem. Some have more problems than others and people have different ways of dealing with them. Some let their hair down by getting drunk consistently. This is good sometimes, but too much and I fear I could go down the alcoholic route. Some, like me, choose to bottle it up. It's going to explode at some point in the future and I hope this won't hurt so many people as it did last time. Why don't I just talk about it? I fear of people's reactions. Back to Square 1. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect £200. I could do with that £200 now mind you! It's just how my mind works.

"If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't" - it's not copyrighted CW!

So many quotes resemble me at the moment. So many I can't start writing them down. I've lumbered back into my old habits of a month ago, going to bed at stupid times. Current time - 02:28. I don't want to go to sleep. If I do, silence rears it's ugly head, and I start thinking. I've cried myself to sleep for no tangible reason, but maybe I'm crying because I know where I've let myself go. I'm going nowhere and I can't accept it for long periods of time. I know it now. But come tomorrow I will start living the lie again and think everything is fine, when it just isn't. My parents have given up on me and rightly so. There is only one person who can change me. And that is me. Then why don't I just do it? Why can't I just do it...? I feel like talking at the moment, but would the parents appreciate being awoken and half past two A.M to hear their son open up? Father's got work in the morning. I don't think they'd be that bothered. 2.30pm? Probably. But by that time, my shell will have closed like a tortoise's in cold weather..

What do I do with myself? How can I direct myself to where I want to be? What do I do with myself? How can I direct myself to where I want to be? Why am I crying...?

You must understand, that I am too cowardly to talk to you face to face. If I wasn't writing this, and writing this honestly, I would have been long gone. This blog has helped me open up to some people and release the pressure that was once so exhausting and tiresome. You must understand how I've got to this place I am in now. I don't expect you to though. Only people who have been through what I have, will understand part of what I am feeling. It all sounds very depressing and I promise I won't do anything stupid. DTN doesn't work. Theyre just pointless letters. Waste of fucking time. My brain is too complicated to straighten out. What do I do with myself?

I know full well, you're reading these words saying to yourself that all this isn't happening. Can't be happening. How can someone be that upset? If I knew that answer, I'd be as happy as you. Day to day, I ignore the troubles and get on with things, but by night, like an owl, I come out and think about things, knowing that no one will come in to my small bedroom at the back of the house and trouble me. I can think freely, with music in my ears and reflect on what a fuck up I've been. Anyone who says I'm not, is wrong. I've gone too far now and I must fix it. But I know I won't. When I wake up, I'll forget I ever wrote this and live life the same. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just will. It's that hard to explain. I could simply write on forever and try my best to describe what my brain thinks. But you still wouldn't understand.

I know why that last paragraph sounded bad. My playlist had finished, and there were silence in my ears.

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